Regression
Now Playing: Larry Young
Regression
Just when you think the past is behind you, it creeps up on you again.

Suffered a mild (and expensive) bit of regression a few days ago. It was very strange, but it also seemed very normal, which was scary. It all came back to me. The progressive betting, the splits, changing the cards with the number of hands.

And after a few hours of mostly luckless play, it happened. I got mad at someone else at the table and said something stupid, don't really remember what it was. But after that I realized I was about 4 or 5 hours into a casino run that was supposed to be only 1 hour max. And I was almost $2000 into the checking account, when I had set a limit of $200.

Reality struck home with a dull thud. And I completed an exit stage left. And I'm back to normal life, with a little less cash in the bank.

Problem is, it was fun. Very fun. New casino, had never been there. Nice people. A separate high limit card room for blackjack or related games over $25 per hand. Yes I discovered it and entered the door after I was already down about $1400. At one point I had made about $400, but then it was all gone.

Stop. Time to stop talking about it in nostalgic terms. It was a nightmare dressed up to look nice. And it's over and time to move on with more resolve this time. It was about 6 months still the last regression, so that was a good effort. This next effort must be better.

And so it goes. I still breathe the air, and walk this earth.

New thoughts, unwanted thoughts, scary thoughts, thoughts about life and death and how the neurons fire and then stop firing...
Now Playing: Cannonball in Europe 1963
3/24/06

New thoughts, unwanted thoughts, scary thoughts, thoughts about life and death and how the neurons fire and then stop firing...

Mom is in the hospital for the 2nd day in a row. Should go home tomorrow, I (we) hope.

Sounds like she might have a virus of some kind, that was causing fainting spells. Actually she's on some kind of steroids right now, to help the situation. She says it hypes her up and she's wide awake. She's 72.

And so I called her at the hospital room and spoke to her on the phone. She sounded fine, and was in good spirits.

So I stopped by and talked to Dad and we went out to dinner. Since they've both reached the 70 years range (now 72, 73), I've had strange thoughts. Since I'm the only sibling that still lives in town with Mom and Dad, it will some day fall to me to be there when one or the other of them passes away.

And so tonight I had a pre-deja vu experience, if that is possible. I had a vision of what will be happening sometime in the future, hopefully in the distant future. Or perhaps I was recalling the times in the last few years that I wondered what it will be like. Not sure.

But there I was, having dinner with Dad, just us two, at a restaurant we both like very much. And no Mom. This doesn't happen very often. I can't remember the last time, so it's been a very long time.

We talked about Mom for a few min when we first sat down, and then didn't mention her again for the next 2 hours. I should mention, it was a great conversation, and I learned alot about my father. But the bottom line is, this is what it could be like if Mom were gone.

I can't type any more right now - too many thoughts, too slow of fingers typing. I think she's going to be OK, but sometime in the future this could happen all over again.

See ya.

getting better every day...
Now Playing: radio - Jazz
The life change is nearly complete. After April 15 is here and gone, and I've paid those nasty taxes then this life changing project will be off and running in an entirely new direction.

This is typed in the new apartment. Very nice. Very quiet. Lots of room.

Amazing how things change so fast, when only 8 or 9 months ago it was looking very bleak.

Now admittedly, I'm talking mostly about material life here. Money, finances, home, work, and the like.

The mental status of your humble author is still in question. Still swimming through a dark haze of who knows what. But working on it.

Pursuance
Now Playing: Coltrane
Still alive and breathing. What was the name of the 80's band that sang that but said it like " I Live and...". Was that Simple Minds? Bill would be proud that I remember that.

More music news...where was I this week when I heard Tears for Fears on a radio? Don't remember exactly.

And I remember walking through HyVee (grocery store) and hearing a Joni Mitchell song. The song about they paved over the place with a parking lot...

OK let's step through the usual minefields of life...

Money situation - good but not great. It will probably never be great because great is a millionaire with no worries. But right now my only worry is paying the tax bill in April (Yes paying this year - no refund). And that will hurt, but it is a planned hurt. I knew it was coming and saved enough to cover it. Good news is that after that I am basically free and clear on life, with the exception of the car, and that's not too far off from being paid for also.

Moving to a new apartment on the 28th of this month. Probably shoulda looked for a house to buy (refer back to tax situation above), but just don't seem ready for that right now. Maybe next year or the year after.

Work - very good. Although I'm still feeling those same relentless thoughts from the last 5 years or so. "Get me outta here!" "Why do I need this!" Why don't you open a bookstore and coffee shop somewhere?

I planned that out today. A free bookstore psuedo-library where people can just bring a book or find a book on the shelves, and really the only thing I would charge for is coffee & tea and/or soda. I didn't say I would make a billion on this idea. It would be for my peace of mind. hmmm...we'll see.

back to the music scene, I did purchase an MP3 player recently. Very nice. Very easy to use. Very everything. I can listen to jazz any time of the day or night, in the car (ie: the morning drive radio sucks here, with a few exceptions. But even those exceptions are talking 90% of the time.)

And right now I have the earphones on listening to Cannonball Adderley. Very nice.

Women? Not much to talk about there, unfortunately. I've been very focused on myself for a while now, trying to get into a good frame of mind, and trying to make it to work everyday ontime and be motivated for work. The people I work will would laugh at that last sentence because I'm always there early, but it's true. Everyday I just want to turn in my notice and never go back. It has nothing to do with the comapny or the work. It's just that I'm bored with life right now.

Mark's internal editor notation: Read that last paragraph you big idiot! A new girlfriend would make life very interesting!

Note to self - work on finding a new girlfriend.

Coltrane now - Love Supreme. This album never seems to get old. I hear something new each time. Lately I've been teaching myself to ignore the main instrument on a jazz CD and focus on the other players. On A Love Supreme that means listening to Elvin Jones and saying WOW that is awesome! And listening to Mycoy Tyner on piano (is that who plays piano on this?) and saying WOW that's amazing playing! It's easy for Coltrane to play over everyone else.

This works well on lots of jazz CD's though.

I have to admit that I do like Paul Desmond. Very nice sound. And Dave Brubeck is addictive. That Take 5 and Blue Rondo song get stuck in my mind and won't go away.

Been running through some numbers, and if I continue my current work and pay levels until I'm 55, then I can retire and never have to work again. This is assuming no wife and kids come along. (correction: no NEW wife and kids come along, I guess I do have an ex wife and stepkids)

I can actually retire a long time before that, but the money will run out before the social security kicks in, and before the 401k is available with no penalties.

It is a strange feeling to not owe any credit card company ANYTHING. Everything month I feel like I should be writing a check to someone for a credit card. Since I paid off everything I've been paying cash or hitting the debit card. Strange but good feeling.

Getting late (early) so time to go.

See ya.

Earth Party
Now Playing: Kevin Eubanks
Wow. Life is better. Some things are still the same, but enough is different that it is very much better. Finances great. New job is great. Very glad to get away from old job.

Still working on getting a few bad personal habits out of the way, but I'm confident that can be overcome eventually. Plus a lucky double down helps the situation alot too.

Time to read, and then hopefully, exercise this aging body. Then sleep.

still looking, still living
Now Playing: Greg Allman - Laid Back
Aug 20 2006

And the story continues...still here, still typing, not believing it, but none the less, living it.

On Monday have ANOTHER interview with the same company in Millard. This will make 4 interviews, although the 1st 3 were for 2 different jobs. (Review: Job 1 - they wanted to hire immediately and coudn't wait for 2 months but didn't decide this until literally 1 hour before my scheduled 2nd interview. But they passed my name on to another manager for a similar job that we will call: Job 2 - interview went well, was scheduled for a 2nd interview. That interview went well but halfway thru I am told I am overqualified for the job (don't ask why they didn't tell me that in the 1st interview - wait is this a paren with a paren? yikes get us out of here!) But after informing me of my over-qualified status, I was informed another job was available, and hey ya know I would line up much better for that one. Fortunately they gave me a pass on the 1st interview for that job, and about a week later than I expected I received a call!)

So it's Monday. It should be fun.

Spent some time with the California nephews recently. They are typical teenagers, and fun. Take a while for Nathan to get warmed up, but he's damn funny when he starts talking.

Recently the stars must be in alignment because a recent sort-of romance is back on. Well, not that recent. I guess it started 2 years ago, or maybe longer. Anyway, we now work in the same building, same floor, same aisle, about 100 feet away from each other. It's fun and good conversation, but not sure where it's going, if anywhere.

So at work I'm down to (checking calendar) 8 business days before unemployment. FUN! If my Monday interview does not result in a job in September, then my alternate plan will kick in of just taking some time off and taking a short vacation somewhere. Although I do have another interview at another placement company on Wed. Almost forgot about that one. That could be good, but have only just started that one.

I think secretly I'm hoping to get the job for the Monday interview, and also not get the job. The savings account coffers would appreciate greatly after getting 2 paychecks for 3 months. But I'm also thinking of just wandering the country for a few weeks, and let CFB pay for it. I guess it's just wait and see. Maybe I should look at it as I should hope for (and work for) getting the new job, and save that money, and then I can look toward an early retirement, earlier than expected.

Still searching...
Sat July 23, 2005

Still have not posted the infamous notes for the "South Bend" trip, but it's suddenly seemed slightly irrelevant. Hopefully those notes will appear here soon.

Currently downloaded the PDF's for an SF review fanzine that's free. Missed the first 4 issues, so just downloading them all! It's amazing how much stuff is free out there. It would be nice if more were free. We shouldn't be all about huge corporations making billions of dollars. Capital markets and free market economies are good and a way of life, but once in a while it would be nice for some company to announce "Hey! This stuff is now free for downloading! Go for it!"

The work scene is constantly changing, but is also amazingly the same due to some decisions I've had to make. The weekend following the Fiserv interview trip to South Bend, I emailed Fiserv to tell them to take my name off the list of candidates. There were various issues that kept me from being interested enough to actually make that monster move to another town for another job. So that avenue is closed down.

Then just a few days later a Bank in Cleveland called, and I've had 2 phone interviews with them since. Although it's been somewhat confusing, and for a few days I actually lost track of which job they really wanted me for, because of working with 2 completely separate HR people at the same company, for 2 or 3 completely different jobs. And multiple voicemails to boot!

Then CFB came to me recently (keep in mind that my separation date is still 8/31), and offered me a temporary work assignment that would last until approx Dec 2, 2005, for which the main work would be helping to manage a major conversion project for the Bank. It was an interesting idea, and I don't have other work lined up right now anyway. But I had less than 24 hours to actually make the decision! Went to dinner that night with the obviously aging parental figures, and talked it over. The next morning I told the Bank "Thanks but no thanks." And I planned to continue my job search.

Then this last Friday, they again approached me with basically the same question. The requirements had changed slightly, in that they had found another candidate (sucker?) from within the Bank to take the main project manager duties, and now they needed someone to represent the interests of the business units. So I was offered essentially the same temporary position again! I have until Monday to give my answer, but I know what the answer will be - "Thanks but no thanks, again". Within an hour of being offered this work assignment, my phone rang and it was another company here in town that I had interviewed with about a month ago. They had wanted to hire someone right away for an open position, and even though I had the qualificaionts and experience they were looking for, I was not available until Sept 1.

At that time they said 2 similar positions would be opening up in the Aug/Sept timeframe and those would fit better for my available-to-start date. My name was kept on a list somewhere, and I had essentially forgotten about it with all the other stuff going on. I had a note to call them back in August, but we're not quite there yet. So the phone call was from this same company, and they want an interview next week on Friday! Perfect timing! (which is exactly what my current manager said when informed her I would be coming in late that morning)

And so it goes, and there's even more amazing details for all of this that I won't type right now. It's amazing how life goes up and down and sideways, sometimes all in one day!

The first 5 issues of "Some Fantastic" are now downloaded, so I'm going to go browse through them. Keep the faith, and oh by the way, a guy from Australia won the Hold Em world series of poker, and got $7.5M, although I"m sure that's before taxes.

July 1, 2005

Wait 10 minutes and life changes again.

The 2nd interview at CSG did not come to fruition. Received a call about 2 hours before, and was told they wanted to interview people that could start right away (not 60 days from now, like myself). Well, OK, what do you say to that? Plead for mercy?

Fortunately I was told my name was added to a list for future interviews in another month or so, and maybe my later start date will line up better.

That was Monday.

Tuesday morning, out of the blue, I get a call from another company out of town, out of state, out of mind. Had various phone interviews/conversations with them about a month ago, but was told the same story of "we want to hire someone now, not 2-3 months from now). Well, they must have had some seriously sad candidates, or no one that really wants to relocate - because on this particular Tuesday mornnig (just got pocket 10's - and won!) they were informing me I was to fly up the South Bend Indiana for an interview, and post-haste please! Now that could be very interesting, and one heckuva relocation, but I'll worry about that later, if it actually materializes from the fog of life.

And so this weekend (as I sit here) I am nervously planning the trip, what to pack, what to study up on, what to not worry about, and so on. I"ve found that before a big interview (if I have enough prior notice) that a day or two off from thinking, reading a good book, or going for a few long walks, gets my mind very prepared. Then the few days before the interviwe I go through prep questions, etc...

This one could be different, in that it's an entire day of interviews with literally 6 or 7 or more different people, from various divisions, departments. It will be intense, and it's been quite a while since I've had to endure something like this for a good 8 hours with people I've never met before.

just won a huge hand with Q-7, 2 pair on the flop. Now chip leader by double anyone else.

The rest of life right now is just that - life that passes during the daylight hours. My mind is on other stuff.

As I type this I realize my mind and fingers are still working at light speed, excel spreadsheet style. Today was a HUGE day at work, and I warped out some many friggin spreadsheets and emails that I lost track.

On the verge of making a big financial mistake, but I'm not 100% convinced yet that it's the wrong decision. It would chance life for me, and cause me to look at my work and income very differently. We'll see....

2nd Interviews are always fun!
Saturday June 25, 4:30pm

Another day, another entry. Updated all of the links on the left column of this page.

Have a 2nd interview on Monday at a local company. Hopefully not long after that 2nd interview they will be offering me a job.

This coming week at the Bank will be a week to remember, and possibly never forget. Big loan sale (part 1) on June 30, and other BIG announcements that will affect everyone, possibly on Monday/Tuesday.

resumes are flying around town!
June 18, 2005
Almost done with "Light" by M John Harrison. Good book, somewhat disturbing book, but that's because his writing is so descriptive and alive. I have not guessed the ending yet, so that is also good. Should be able to finish it this weekend.

Last week was the eHarmony meeting with the mysterious Michelle. We drank iced tea for an hour and a half, and talked a lot. I was out of my normal environment (blind dates are not something I usually do, and haven't for many, many years). So a few times I blanked on questions to ask, that normally would have been very easy.

We ended suggesting that the next step of a movie would be good. But alas, no emails from her all week (although she is busy). So I emailed her yesterday just to say hello.

Had a voicemail on Friday from a company here in town, responding to my resume and app for an open Business Analyst position. Hopefully I will get an interview next week or very soon.

Work at the Bank is getting very strange. Beyond the fact that the entire place has been sold…..people are at all different points on the spectrum of optimism and pessimism. Nervous, and carefree. (The nervous are mostly the people that avoided the previous separation plan by finding a new job within the Bank, and now with the entire place being sold, they have no idea if those new jobs will actually be there. The carefree are people like myself that already have a separation date, already have a signed severance plan, and are already looking for another job, or planning for changes)

One lady I work with has accepted a position with a company I was hoping to get on board with, although it's in South Bend, Indiana. They are still a possibility (had a few phone conversations with them over the last month or so). The better deal (and cheaper deal) would be to stay here in town, and save the cost of moving, assuming the new company will not help cover the move cost.

We are getting very close to the June 30 date which is the first step in getting most of the mortgage loans out of the company. July 1 will be very strange to look at those month end reports and see what is left on the books. Then July 16 will be a shock to see a very small portfolio left.

This "Downing Street Memo" in Britain is really causing a stir on the internet. Interested how you can spot various trends of what is on people's minds, by what is posted at various internet sites, outside the main news sites.

Many people at work are upset that the big dogs at the Bank are walking away with many millions of $ because of the company sale. I will include myself in that group, in regards to some of them. If I were a big dog executive and had the power to get a major company to grant me a large compensation package, of course I would ask for everything I could, and negotiate it to the limit. The problem comes along when the people at the bottom get little or nothing out of the deal. Yes the sale stock price is very good, considering it had been lingering around $23-25 for the last year, and had no signs of going anywhere fast. But most people do not have a large enough stock interest (or any) to make a major difference. Most do not have options, and the ones that do have options (including myself) called in those options last year when the stock price got close to $30. The last remaining 50 options I have are at a price higher than the agreed sale price.

As for 401K, that's where the real kicker comes in. I did make a good amount there, and just reallocated my company stock into other 401K plan funds. Most people are in the 401K, and probably have the same good situation there. The problem comes up that the closing sale date is proposed for 12/2/05, and if you are not employed with the Bank on 12/31/05, then you do not get the matching funds for the year (Note: The Bank does have a generous 100% matching policy for those fully vested, so this adds up to a lot of $ over the full year). So this is another loss for the mid-to-lower end folks at the Bank.

What about Cube Life? Well it sucks as usual, but when I attended the "big announcement" ceremony on Tuesday a.m., it was on the 3rd floor of the new building. Afterwards we all walked down to the 2nd floor where our new Cube Life was planned to continue. It's like the Bahamas of cubes! OK that might be overstating it a little bit, but it was nice. More room, more storage, white boards on each desk, other nice amenities, and all brand spanking new.

Now it turns out I may just have a new cube there for a few weeks. A project to move various departments out there is still on (at least for now! - next week that may change), and I've been given a cube there. Oh boy - not sure how I feel about that one. I'd almost rather stay back in the old digs and wait out my last 3 weeks in relative peace.

I have to admit my patience is getting shorter than usual at work. I'm in the middle of the "I don’t' care anymore" blues, although in the chaos I am still able to crank out spreadsheet reports at light speed, and that's usually how it comes up nowadays. 8:07 there's something new that needs to be done right away, and it's #1 with the other 20 items that are #1 right now. I should say I love it when it's this busy. It's intense and somewhat nerve-wracking, but I live for it to be busy.

OK that's enough for now. Just won a free hold em game on-line, and won $4,300 in fake chips. Oh man what fun. See ya.